Expectations…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Vaibhavi was in a daze. She had just heard something that she wished she had unheard.

As she sat down, all she could think of was how this could happen to her. All her life, she had detested it. And yet, she couldn’t control herself from doing the exact same thing!

It had been thirty five long years since she had been at this home. Having landed in this home after her marriage to Sanjeev, she had adopted it lovingly and openly.

Though it was a new city for her, and the entire setting was new, she had readily accepted it. All because of the love she had received from Sanjeev and his welcoming family.

She had confidence that she would figure out her new life. That there will be many adventures along the way.

Reality however had turned out differently. Her mother-in-law wasn’t an easy boss to please, and expected the moon from Vaibhavi. She was always helpful and guided her well, but those expectations somehow showed up at the wrong times.

In front of guests, when she didn’t do something right. Or in front of the extended family, when she wanted to show who was in charge. Even in front of the children sometimes.

Vaibhavi had ignored it at first, taking it as the need to prove how good she was in everything she did. However, after a while, these loose comments started making her feel worse. It was as if in spite of all her efforts, there was always some shortcoming.

She had tried talking to her mother in law, explaining to her how she was trying her best. All she got was encouragement to try harder. She had felt slighted then. Her relationship with her mother-in-law was never the same again.

Vaibhavi had then decided that if there’s ever a chance when she has to be the mother-in-law to her son’s wife, she would pay heed to not behave like this.

After all those years, belying her own experience, she had today broken her own promise.

Her son had just been married for a few months and he and his wife were visiting for the first festive celebration.

As was customary, she guided her daughter-in-law on what needed to be done, and the rituals and customs they had been following for generations.

Her daughter-in-law had listened with intent, and had tried her best to do as was told. Of course, as a first-timer, there were some lapses.

On this, Vaibhavi had today morning called her out. Her daughter-in-law grinned sheepishly, expecting her to be excused for the minor lapse. Instead, she had received a small lecture on how she ought to do better, as there were high expectations.

She had listened to Vaibhavi quietly, nodding and absorbing. Once that lecture had finished, she just said, “Mom, you ought to cut me some slack too. This is my first time doing this. Please treat me as your daughter”.

This is what dazed Vaibhavi. And as she replayed the incident, she realized she had fallen into the same trap she had tried to escape from.

She got up, went over to her son’s bedroom and knocked on the door. Her daughter-in-law opened the door. Vaibhavi’s moist eyes were enough to break the ice.

She hugged her daughter-in-law as she would her own daughter, and apologised for the rant.

They both had tears in their eyes. Tears of unwanted expectations that had been drained now, and replaced by those of mutual affection!

Just decide.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is a simple enough statement or request. But often times, it isn’t. Or doesn’t seem so.

It does seem like good advice. Just get on with it. But when it’s your turn, often there’s hesitation!

And whether you are deciding or waiting for the decision, the lead up to it and the final act can be excruciating.

I am talking about rather important decisions, not the routine stuff. Although, what is routine for someone could be a rather important one for another…

Keeping these complexities aside, I want to talk about this critical skill.

How do we decide and how soon is often a personal trait. It changes over time but not drastically.

As a leader, I have often been in these situations. And also observed others from near and far.

When you are called upon to decide, faced with a question that doesn’t have a straightforward answer, how do you move forward? Do you go with your gut and decide quickly, or do you follow a very structured approach?

As I was thinking about this, I was reminded of two teachings I received through my experiences.

The first was during my army days. As was the case on most days and in most situations, we were being trained to decide quickly. Under pressure, the focus was always on being on top of things.

The instructor in our first term had a simple rule – feel what your intuition and gut says, decide quickly and move on. By staying on with the decision, you won’t gain much.

The second was when I was starting my own business and deciding on how to do a lot of things that I had not done ever! And there was no one to help me decide.

A mentor then told me, there are only two ways to swim – to learn through a structured process with a coach, or to just jump and then fight it out. And I had chosen the second path, so I had to decide how I could stay afloat, while learning to swim.

These two teachings have stayed with me through these years. And they have shaped me on how to decide.

Perhaps, someone else with different life experiences, will have a different approach to deciding.

What’s important though, I have figured, is to get to the point where you can put self doubts, questions, and the shadow of future judgements aside. And then just decide…

Generation Gap!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Something that we often refer to when we don’t know how to bridge the distance between us and someone younger or older…

This is how I define the term. And have often used it accordingly. Mostly when I am referring to the age difference being a decade or more.

A couple of weeks ago, I however, had a most illuminating conversation with my daughter.

She was relaying to me how different kids respond when asked about their device usage. Sample this response to the following question –

“Do you have a phone or any other personal device like a laptop or an iPad?”

Kid in sixth grade: No, I don’t have a phone; I have a laptop (or an iPad) for school work.

Kid in fourth grade: Obviously, I have a phone; and yes I have an iPad (or a laptop).

My daughter told me this quite animatedly, which made me laugh. She too laughed along, amused that a kid just two years younger had a very different answer.

Amusement aside, what she was pointing to me almost seems like a generational gap!

As I wondered about it later, and relayed it to a friend over dinner this weekend, it occurred to me that the entire concept of the term is due to change.

With the rapid pace we are seeing in some areas of development, such scenarios won’t be too far off.

It led to a question – what happens when people just two or three years apart start feeling a difference in how each of them conduct themselves?

While growing up, as well as later in life, we often rely on our elder siblings, or cousins, or school/college seniors for guidance, learning, and a myriad of other things.

If the gap starts to form so early in life and continues to expand, how are these learning pathways going to cope with them?

How will we feel, how will we share, how will we shape up?

Or are we all going to rely on some AI to keep us feeling that we are in the midst of people who understand us???

Pulling in which direction?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Often, I have wondered about where are things heading? And what am I doing?

Not just when I am confused about something. But also when I have been extremely clear.

I am sure many of us have felt this way. Because I get this sense often when I talk to others.

Many a times, we let it be. We flow in the direction we are being pushed at.

Sometimes, we resist. The struggle isn’t pretty. But we fight in the hope to change the direction.

But what if it is life’s way of pulling us in a certain direction?

The past few weeks, I have been grappling with a question…

I don’t have an answer. I don’t even know which direction is the push or pull happening from/to. What I only know is that there is something tugging at me.

So, I am unable to decide whether to flow along or resist. And this state hasn’t been easy.

I like having answers. I like to be in control of what’s happening. When it is not the case, I feel the need to try more, to think more.

The older me would have done so, restlessly trying to get an answer.

The new me isn’t losing sleep over it. I am letting it be. For, I realise that I just need to give it time.

I don’t need the answer today. It is ok if the answer comes a little later.

Because, whatever it will be, the push or pull will take me in a direction where I will only gain from. In some form or the other.

And when I will look at it in hindsight, hopefully, the pattern will make sense. Yet again.

Just like it does most times…

Silence

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Tuhin and Pallavi were both sitting together. Without speaking a word…

That comfortable silence had prevailed for a long time. Engrossed in their phones, they were spending idle time in the same room but disassociated!

It wasn’t as if either of them had made any attempt at a conversation. Over the past year or so, every single conversation in a similar situation had resulted in an argument. So, silence had replaced conversation.

At first, Pallavi started avoiding getting into any chats over the weekend. She would intently engage herself in something else than spend time together. As a couple of months progressed, Tuhin too adjusted to the new normal.

With their weekdays completely occupied with office schedules and travel, there was anyways very little time to be together. So, the new normal didn’t hurt either of them.

With only the two of them and no kids or pets, it had been over a year that the so-called Sunday afternoon was being spent together without any word being spoken…

What had happened to their relationship? How did they not have anything to talk about?

Pallavi had thought about it sometimes. Tuhin had too. Just not together.

The silence had become too comfortable to be broken. It was easier to stay quiet, do their own thing, and go back to their regular schedules. It was as good a shield as someone would need when disassociating themselves.

That day, as she was getting up, Pallavi had an urge to talk. To ask Tuhin about the week that had passed by. To talk about plans for the next month.

Tuhin was engrossed in his phone though. The urge passed by…

She didn’t notice that Tuhin was staring at a blank phone screen. He was contemplating if he should talk to her too. But his contemplation ended without noticing her urge.

The moment that could have rekindled the relationship wasn’t meant to be. Not today.

Neither of them was sure if that moment would ever come…

Aging…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, even some casual conversation triggers thoughts that are deep and personal.

This week, as I was returning from an official trip, a chat with a co-passenger did so for me.

We were talking about her trip which was a precursor to returning back to India, after having spent a couple of decades in the US.

I was intrigued by why would they choose to do so! And what was the real reason behind it.

As I probed further and the lady opened up, it turned out to be quite profound. She and her husband were retiring and having seen their parents go through the same curve, they felt they needed to be among people whom they know. And be comfortable in life as they age.

It is a personal choice. Someone else in the same situation may choose to stay where they have built their lives.

But as I thought about it, I realised one thing. Most of us don’t plan actively about how we want to spend our lives as we age. We let it happen organically.

What we do plan is how to organise our finances and how will we take care of material aspects later in life.

Which is fine, as often that’s the easiest thing to do. And what worries most people.

But what about all the other things in life that will be different? Most of them difficult.

We will not be able to do the same things we were able to do even five years back, at any given point in time…

We will not be able to have the luxury of doing things we want to do beyond a few years from now…

We will not be in a position to do much after all! No one can predict how old age pans out.

And yet, we don’t plan for them. We don’t prepare ourselves mentally for that shift. We don’t think about growing old together and how it will pan out.

These things may not be easy to think about or plan for, but it might just be enough to have some guiding principles and ideas.

Often, an unconscious understanding is all that’s needed to tackle the most difficult phases in life…

Culinary Differences!?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, the simplest of things tell you a lot. For instance, food and our choices. And how we handle culinary differences…

This weekend, I flew to spend time with a friend in Dallas, while on a business trip to the US. I had not met him for a decade and we had a lot to catch up on. So, I was expecting long chats and fun and laughter.

I had also never spent considerable time with his family. Having met his wife a couple of times before, I knew her to be jolly by nature and did expect to have some good conversations with her too.

What surprised me though, as we spent time talking, eating, and repeating this schedule over two days, was the amount of discussion we had about food.

My friend’s wife is from Bengal, from the eastern part of India. As with most people from that region, she is naturally excited about food, Food is very dear to them and meal times are about enjoying a feast together.

I received this affection from her during my visit. There were multiple dishes prepared, elaborate lunches and dinners set up, and lots of good conversations happened over those meals.

We talked about how eating Bengali food is an acquired taste, due to the use of specific condiments and ingredients. And how it takes time for people from other regions to appreciate it.

I have eaten some nice Bengali food earlier, so it wasn’t completely new for me. What stayed though, was the way she explained how my friend, who like me is from the central part of India, had adjusted to this taste. And how he enjoys it now.

Later in the afternoon, she and I talked about how they enjoy different cuisines from other regions that they have been exposed to in the US. And how she has noticed, even within her family, there are people who adjust or take a liking to it, while others fret and eat, or simply refuse to try.

I could completely relate to it. Over time, I have seen similar things in my family and circle. I could say I can easily adapt to other cuisines but have been in settings where others find it difficult.

While until now, I had never paid much attention to this fact, ignoring it as a thing that just happens, this conversation made me think for a bit…

As it so happens, most of us are very used to the food we have had while growing up. It’s our comfort place. We crave it. We love it even though it is what we have everyday.

But when it comes to food from other regions or places, we are not always as open. We blame it on our palette or worse, make it sound inferior or very different than ours. Talk about biases!

It cannot be true that the taste of food in these other regions is never to our liking. I have seen older people adjust well to new cuisines relatively easily.

I feel, sometimes it is that our mind doesn’t want to accept that we can enjoy other kinds of food. Or maybe, sometimes it goes against our religious beliefs or health notions, and we avoid them.

But most times, we instantly close ourselves to new experiences and indulgences. We deliberately stay away from them, either viewing them with skepticism or simply fear of the unknown!

What we forget is that trying does us no harm. If anything, it may just propel us in a certain direction. Or repel us because something didn’t feel right. But shouldn’t be for the lack of trying…

Optimism

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s an infectious feeling and attitude. It’s also a cliche used when you want to sound positive…

What is optimism? And why is it that so many of us vouch for it but very few practice it?

This week, two incidents prompted me to think deeply about this word and feeling.

The first was our CEO addressing a room full of business leaders, talking about how he wants everyone to believe we can do magic together and that high levels of optimism is bound to win the day for us.

It came out genuinely from him, allaying apprehension about new bets and cementing belief in those bets. It did energise the group. At that moment.

Having delivered a few similar pieces myself over the years, I also know that it will only remain with a few in that group. Very soon, others will revert to their previous state of mind.

But why does that happen?

The second instance was a meeting of a newly formed group within our community to take up and resolve issues with the developer. On both sides, there were people who had past experience of doing this and were skeptics. And there were people who genuinely wanted to understand the other perspective.

As we spoke to their team, I could sense hints of optimism in a few threads. The overall tone sounded more positive than it ever had, and it gave us some hope.

But having been in similar situations earlier in life, I also know that the optimism will remain only for a short period. And will be replaced very quickly with either renewed skepticism or resignation to the affairs, as they are!

How do we end up like this so soon?

Perhaps the answer to both these questions is that we expect too much too soon. Or expect that suddenly things will change. And when that doesn’t happen, we tend to then slide back into the zone we were in before.

Maybe, we also are creatures of habit. Some of us have seen things not panning out so many times that we approach everything with caution.

Unlike a child who is always optimistic. Because it knows too little. Or maybe because it knows that the secret to progress is optimism!!!

The lie that stayed…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The room was dark, with only a faint light from the outside street lamp filtering in. Kirit was lying on the bed, not able to sleep.

For a 9-year old, that is unusual. It was certainly for him. He was used to falling asleep as soon as he was tucked into the bed.

He was trying very hard to get to sleep. Shutting his eyes off with his hands, sometimes blocking his ears with the help of the pillow and the blanket. But sleep alluded him.

The reason for this rather disturbing experience for Kirit was what had happened in the day earlier.

He was with his family, visiting some family friends. A usual catch up, except that this was the same people they had been going on vacations with too. Close friends of his dad and mom, he had expected them to be there for every trip.

This time though, as they were getting ready to leave their house, his mother told him not to talk about the summer holidays. When he looked quizzed, she mentioned that for a change, they had planned a trip only for the three of them this time.

And she wanted him not to bring up a topic which may end up in an unpleasant conversation. Kirit was flummoxed. He didn’t know what to do.

Naturally, he raised a pertinent question. What should he say if they ask him first. To this, his dad had replied that he can say they hadn’t planned yet.

Kirit was more confused now. He sensed this will be a lie, but his own parents were asking him to utter it. On the way, he tried to get some more discussion going, but his parents shut him off, saying the more he talks about it before, the difficult it will be for him to do what was being suggested.

It was of course difficult. Kirit had always believed in being a honest kid. He knew some kids his age were used to lying or resorted to it occasionally. He was proud he hadn’t done so. Until now.

He closed his eyes and prayed that the situation may never occur. God was perhaps not in a mood to listen though!

As soon as they got off and started playing, his friends Ahan and Deb asked him what were his holiday plans. They wanted to plan together. He looked sheepishly at his mom, who nudged him with her eyes.

Not too confidently, Kirit uttered the lie. He further asked them to clarify with his parents. He couldn’t take it anymore when his parents supported his version and lied too. Running to the bathroom, he closed the door and sobbed for a while.

That entire day, he was awkward. He expected someone to catch their lie. It was what he had learned in school. But by evening, when no one reacted adversely and feigned indifference, he realised that the lie had passed muster.

On the way back home, Kirit was quiet. He was reflecting on the situation and the behaviour. He had learnt something important today.

A lie well told and corroborated with can seem like a truth. And it wasn’t as bad as it was made out to be.

His conscience was still in conflict though. He kept on hearing his inner voice asking if he had done the right thing.

At first he tried ignoring it and carried on with his bed time routine. But when the question didn’t go away for a while, he firmly told his mind that since there was no fallout of the lie, it was ok.

Now in his bed, trying to get sleep, his mind had flipped and was constantly humming with ideas of where he may be able to lie and get away. His thoughts were racing at how he could use it smartly at school and home.

That was the reason for the struggle that night. The lie he had uttered in the day, had stayed with him in the night.

And the memory and change in behaviour for possibly all his life…

The Yearning for Home.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all want a home. And we all yearn to go back to it. Whether we accept it or not.

Some of us yearn for it much sooner than others. But what is it that we yearn for? And why is it such a constant feeling?

This weekend, as I watched “The Odyssey” and reflected on some of the other conversations I had with a few friends, this topic kept coming back to me.

Well, one reason I think is generally true is that we revel in being amongst known people and in our comfort zone. And a home provides us just that.

But then, it wouldn’t explain the entirety of this feeling.

I think the main reason why we yearn for our home is because it grounds us. It makes us feel who we are. It provides us with an inner satisfaction of being in a place where we are looked after.

Most importantly, it envelopes us in a sense of belonging. Within the world. With our own place in it. With the comfort of knowing that we are safe there…

But that explains why a home is important for us in our lives. It doesn’t yet explain why we yearn for it.

I think the answer to the second part lies in the basic nature of us humans. We want something that we can call our own. We desire to be with it. And we plan to hold on to it and the feeling of being there.

And that’s why, wherever we may be around the world, that yearning keeps us going back to our homes. To the harbour that we are anchored to.

Isn’t it constraining us then? Someone may ask! I think it doesn’t.

Yearning doesn’t mean we can’t explore or be outside. It just means we are as normal as a person can be, and we have willingly agreed to keep that yearning at bay for a while as we seek out life…